KS - quandary
16- Back in 1962, one real impediment to a guy planning his future was the danger of being drafted. This danger was over for me because I had fulfilled my military obligation. I would only be called back up after they had inducted all the women and children – hopefully. I was over 21, single, had a car – and car payment – and health enough to find work to pay my bills. So what was the deal – why was I not happy?
One of the things my parents taught me was to always do the best you could do at whatever you undertook to accomplish. It was starting to occur to me that I was not doing a very good job of sinning. Oh, I was sinning well enough, but real skillful proficiency just was not in evidence, this because I felt too bad about my actions.
This was personally perplexing because I saw others around me that had this thing of doing wrong down to an art form. Plus they really seemed to be enjoying themselves and not at all troubled as to whether or not anyone else got hurt by what they did. What was the deal – I also had what one would call ‘baser needs’ as well.
Maybe I could modify my actions a bit and find the answer – I would do whatever I wanted as long as I didn’t hurt someone else! In practicality I found this a very difficult thing to accomplish. This because when someone is nutso in their affection for you, how can you string them along just for vanity’s sake without pain being felt – even on your part? Why was I caring so much when someone else was hurt?
Then another semi-solution occurred to me – I needed to learn to be a better liar – this might help in several areas because I was feeling entirely too bad about falsifications, in word and deed. This should be simple, just verbally cover up all the things I didn’t want to admit – even to myself – and all would be better.
An effort was made in that direction, but whatever I tried to do for my good was nullified by the bad feelings concerning the false action to do it. Was this honesty thing so much a part of me that I couldn’t shake it? What were my parents thinking when they taught me lying was wrong? Didn’t they know it’s a cruel, lying and cheating world and one had to have these skills and them properly honed to be able to survive?
TBC – ec
One of the things my parents taught me was to always do the best you could do at whatever you undertook to accomplish. It was starting to occur to me that I was not doing a very good job of sinning. Oh, I was sinning well enough, but real skillful proficiency just was not in evidence, this because I felt too bad about my actions.
This was personally perplexing because I saw others around me that had this thing of doing wrong down to an art form. Plus they really seemed to be enjoying themselves and not at all troubled as to whether or not anyone else got hurt by what they did. What was the deal – I also had what one would call ‘baser needs’ as well.
Maybe I could modify my actions a bit and find the answer – I would do whatever I wanted as long as I didn’t hurt someone else! In practicality I found this a very difficult thing to accomplish. This because when someone is nutso in their affection for you, how can you string them along just for vanity’s sake without pain being felt – even on your part? Why was I caring so much when someone else was hurt?
Then another semi-solution occurred to me – I needed to learn to be a better liar – this might help in several areas because I was feeling entirely too bad about falsifications, in word and deed. This should be simple, just verbally cover up all the things I didn’t want to admit – even to myself – and all would be better.
An effort was made in that direction, but whatever I tried to do for my good was nullified by the bad feelings concerning the false action to do it. Was this honesty thing so much a part of me that I couldn’t shake it? What were my parents thinking when they taught me lying was wrong? Didn’t they know it’s a cruel, lying and cheating world and one had to have these skills and them properly honed to be able to survive?
TBC – ec
posted by mreddie | 6:12 PM
2 Comments:
My, you had a conscience early, and finally no bluff or excuses. A religious upbringing does put a lot, finally, into perspective. This post could be called, "Let your conscience be your guide."
Now, about how old were you, when you understood the forces at play in your character?
bonita - Understanding the forces, to a large degree, came several years earlier but acting on the understanding, to the point of making a decision, came at age 21. ec
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