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Sunday, May 28, 2006

unimpressed

At times in my Christian walk I have been very unimpressed with myself. Not with the talents or the mind God has given me, but the way I use or don't use these and react or fail to react in given situations. Afterward I have felt so unworthy, unreliable, useless and unnecessary, searching subconsciously for a scriptural reference to remain in this murky condition - because I deserve it - and wallow in pity because of my self proclaimed good-for-nothingness.

Almost unbelievably finding no weapon to use in my mission of self-flagellation and/or condemnation, I search deeper still through my stored mental files of the Bible for other avenues of punishment. Finding only love and forgiveness of a complete and perfect nature, my mind struggles to understand something beyond human comparative reasoning. How could One that I have failed so miserably at times still love me, be willing to forgive and even desire the very best for me?

So which of the many choices do I choose? Do I continue to wear the painful thorns of guilty remembrance in a band around my head? Will I walk barefoot up that long hill paved with the broken glass of unworthiness when something good happens to me? Will I allow my hands to be affixed to the solid wood of do-nothingness because someone else seems to have more talent? Will my feet be immobilized by not knowing which way to go? Will I choose that my heart be thrust through by the hopelessness I see all around?

The light of love sends the answer ringing back through time - NO!! Someone else suffered so we wouldn't have to - died to give us the choice of life, forgiveness and freedom - but will I choose to continue to walk in those or will I be hindered or side tracked by my own thoughts and feelings - unwilling to forgive myself? Jesus loves us enough to set us free, not only spiritually but mentally, emotionally and even physically - and that in a continuing fashion - IF WE SO CHOOSE! ec

4 Comments:

Blogger itsboopchile said...

Amen! on this Sunday morning.
We are supposed to be going to church to worship God but isn't that what we are to do all the time?
So, instead of grumbling about gettting started so early, I want to thank God with my heart and mind, and even my voice.
I have an idea that my morning will go a lot smoother.
Love your post, so thank you for pushing me to think on these things.

Betty G

5/28/2006 07:49:00 AM  
Blogger mreddie said...

boopchile - Yes indeed - this is the kind of worship He desires from us. ec

5/28/2006 10:32:00 PM  
Blogger Jayleigh said...

Eddie I am so blessed by this!!!!

"unwilling to forgive myself?"

I have been thinking about just this thing for nigh onto a month now, and a few weeks ago, felt as though it was clearing. But last night I tossed and turned all night, and felt guilty and shame-faced for things that happened years ago and that I cannot go back and redo.

Thank you for letting God use your blog to minister to me. It's just what I needed right now. God Bless, and Happy Memorial Day!

5/29/2006 01:51:00 PM  
Blogger mreddie said...

jayleigh - Thanks, I'm glad that God inspired this for your good. ec

5/29/2006 05:59:00 PM  

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