unimpressed

At times in my Christian walk I have been very unimpressed with myself. Not with the talents or the mind God has given me, but the way I use or don't use these and react or fail to react in given situations. Afterward I have felt so unworthy, unreliable, useless and unnecessary, searching subconsciously for a scriptural reference to remain in this murky condition - because I deserve it - and wallow in pity because of my self proclaimed good-for-nothingness.

Almost unbelievably finding no weapon to use in my mission of self-flagellation and/or condemnation, I search deeper still through my stored mental files of the Bible for other avenues of punishment. Finding only love and forgiveness of a complete and perfect nature, my mind struggles to understand something beyond human comparative reasoning. How could One that I have failed so miserably at times still love me, be willing to forgive and even desire the very best for me?

So which of the many choices do I choose? Do I continue to wear the painful thorns of guilty remembrance in a band around my head? Will I walk barefoot up that long hill paved with the broken glass of unworthiness when something good happens to me? Will I allow my hands to be affixed to the solid wood of do-nothingness because someone else seems to have more talent? Will my feet be immobilized by not knowing which way to go? Will I choose that my heart be thrust through by the hopelessness I see all around?

The light of love sends the answer ringing back through time - NO!! Someone else suffered so we wouldn't have to - died to give us the choice of life, forgiveness and freedom - but will I choose to continue to walk in those or will I be hindered or side tracked by my own thoughts and feelings - unwilling to forgive myself? Jesus loves us enough to set us free, not only spiritually but mentally, emotionally and even physically - and that in a continuing fashion - IF WE SO CHOOSE! ec